Day 26 of 365

Beware of something really devious!!!

There is something that sneaks up on me occasionally.  When it does it makes my mind go to places it shouldn't.  It makes my head spin and my emotions run rampant.  What is this malicious entity?

For me, it's comfort. 

Bastard.

Too much free time and I try to make sense of it all.  And guess what - It doesn't always make sense!  The past is gone, the future is mine to pursue and design.  I believe that.  But when a few days run together with not a lot of activity...blah.  Whatever it is I seem to be more at home with deadlines and movement.  When I'm busy my mind just hums with happiness.

Part two of this dynamic duo is deep thought.  I have found that lately, through this spiritual process of writing a book, I have found new layers within my soul that I had not previously been in touch with.  Deep pools of love, and awareness, empathy, and understanding.  I feel more love in my soul right now than at any other time in my life.  More connection, more faith, more admiration for this thing called life. 

But look deep enough and you will also find other sentiments.  Sigh.  I dug up pain and impatience, frustration and loss.  Some of it I am sure has been buried deep within for decades, cordoned off from the rest of me, safely tucked away.  Some of it is more recent.  But when you meditate, when you dig deep, when you go on a spiritual journey that is producing the writing that I am doing, you are sometimes going to get the bad with the good.  I guess that's just the way it is.

For me - Time to process the negativity and let it go.  Forever.  Think I will keep the good stuff though.

It does help me write.  How else can I share the struggle that Alex and Lea went through without feeling the pain too?  They had a journey, not a relationship.  And Rachel and Leo...how else to describe their love, loss, and resilience than to allow those feelings to channel through me.  Tough stuff.

But with every ache there's usually a silver lining, a lesson, and ultimately a happy ending.  And I guess a chance to write, to feel, to live.

Leo certainly lived.  He allowed himself to love completely, which opens up the soul for the possibility of deep loss.  Let's check in with our farmer just after Rachel left this physical world.

“It’s been a month.” Leo thought. “A month. God it still hurts so much.”  

Leo was dressing slowly, putting his shirt on, pants, then his muck boots, willing himself to keep moving. “God I still feel her everywhere.” he mumbled to his boots. “I still smell her hair when I lay down. I still hear her whisper “I love you Leo. Always will.” Leo felt the now familiar crater opening in the pit of his stomach again, the burning inside of his chest threatening to immobilize him. “No, Leo, get going.” He slapped his knee, stood up, and walked defiantly out the door.  

He had had a rough go of it. Some days he ached so deeply that he wondered if his heart might just give up and stop beating. He struggled to eat, nibbling on tasteless bits of bread or nuts when he felt like he was going to pass out from lack of nutrition. He drank only when the thirst began to give him headaches and blurry vision.

Truthfully, only two things saved Leo from starvation or dehydration. One was his animals. Knowing that they too were thirsty on what would become a blistering Tennessee summer day, got him out of bed and into the barn to care for them. Time with his mare Spirit gave him a welcome but temporary reprieve from the soul draining ache that lived with him now. And she seemed to know. The typically spirited paint seemed less concerned with bossing the herd around and just wanted to be close to him.

The second thing that saved Leo was something he could not wrap his head around. At times he thought he was actually losing his mind. Whenever the pain brought him to his knees, or caused him to sit motionless against a stall door, he would hear words whispered in his ear. It was always soft, always quick, always gentle and caring. “Baby.”, or simply “Leo.” He would always stop and try with all his might to hear the voice again. He never did. But it was usually enough to stop the downward spiral and get him on his feet again.

Leo struggled, but he found a way to keep going.  He knew it would get better.  And despite his loss, Leo would still...

Believe in forever.

Alex